Well, today is the day. Our baby's due date. The day I've been dreading since I first found out in May that we had a miscarriage. Everyone says that it would get easier… "At least you know that you can get pregnant…" To some people, I haven't lost anything except an idea, but to me I feel like I've lost everything.
I know that most people don't deliver on their due date. Today, the due date is a symbolic thing to me. It is the day that my baby was suppose to be born. It was the day my life was suppose to change forever. But there is no baby and no birthday.
When I first found out I was pregnant, the due date seem like it was so far away and it would be forever until I would meet my baby. When the baby was taken away from me in May, nothing has prepared me for what the past 6 months would be like. I thought by my due date that I would feel better than I am… more normal. I thought I would be expecting another bundle of joy.
Well it is officially here… still don't' feel normal and still no new bundle of joy. Yes, I am not as sad as I was 6 months ago. I have accepted the fact that the baby is gone and there isn't anything I can do about it. Yes, I am not crying every night about it. But the sadness is still there. Not a day goes by that I don't think about what could have been. Especially seeing all the other people who were due around my time giving birth to their bundles of joy, or new pregnancy announcements that made it past my time period.
There are days and sometimes weeks that go by that I don't cry about the situation and then all of a sudden I just break down. The pain is still real. It is hard to say goodbye when I was never given a chance to even say hello. Sometimes, I just feel alone in the world.
I still remember the day I woke up in the middle of the night, alone, scared and in pain. The sharp pains that I have never felt before and the reality that my baby is no longer with me. The constant doctors appointment and pricks for blood test to confirm the miscarriage.
I wish I was able to save the baby. I wish there was something that I could do. There is nothing magical I can say or anyone can say to me. Nothing that will make it better. But I guess today is the day that I can finally say goodbye. But it won't be forever. Until I meet my little Angel again in Heaven.
So to my little Angel in Heaven,
Mommy loves you so much. I cherished all the time we had together and I love you more than anything here on Earth. You were such a blessing to me. You'll never know how much I love you.
