This try we tracked my ovulation and again I felt like this month would have been successful…. however, it was not successful. I keep hearing, that when it is the right time it will happen. It just is hard to keep hearing it. I know we have been trying for three months and that to some people isn't much time, but to me it is. I know I keep saying the same thing, when we tried the first time it wasn't this difficult so I was expecting the same thing.
I feel like the constant reminder that I am not pregnant anymore it what is getting to me. Just every day looking at myself reminds me, seeing other people at work pregnant that is due around the same times as I was and some of the mail and e-mails I received. Thursday, I received this package in the mail. It is a variety pack of baby formula that was mailed to me by the company because when I pregnant I signed up for a bunch of things.
Even the other day I was talking to some people and we were discussing Halloween costumes. Some how the conversation led to people who are pregnant with their funny Halloween costumes. Someone brought up about how there is a costume where you put legs and arms sticking out from your shirt and it makes it look like a baby is coming out of your stomach and I say, "Yeah, I always wanted to do that." Their comment back was "Yeah, you just have to be pregnant first." It wasn't meant to be a hurtful thing, but since no one really knows that I had a miscarriage and that we are really trying to conceive again it did really hurt me. From this experience, I have learned that people might be going through hard times secretly and just little things you say can really hurt people more than you think.
Like I said before, I really thought since we tracked my ovulation that I would have been successful and I made a promise to myself that if it wasn't successful that I was going to go to the doctors. Yes, I know it has only been three months, but since the miscarriage I haven't had an ultrasound to make sure that everything has cleared up properly. I did have a physical examine with the doctor, but since I had the miscarriage naturally I always had a feeling "What if it wasn't cleared all the way? What if there is something blocking the tubes or something?"
When I was pregnant and didn't have any ultrasounds until week 12, there was always a feeling inside of me that "What if I wasn't really pregnant?" since I haven't fully seen the baby yet. I felt terrible feeling this way, but I didn't even hear a heart beat or anything at this moment. When I discuss this with John after the fact, he said maybe it was my body telling my brain that it wasn't going to work out and to get me ready for it. Well like before, I have a feeling that something hasn't cleared up and maybe I am just being a worry wart, but I would like to have my worries cleared up.
Being that it has only been three months of trying I am not sure if the doctors would even approve of an ultrasound, but to me I rather try and ask instead of just sitting around worrying. In a few weeks I will see the doctor and I hope they will approve an ultrasound. So until then….
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