How I told John…

November 26, 2015

So today is the day I was suppose to get my period. It was very hard for me to sleep last night knowing that I was going to take a pregnancy test in the morning. So as soon as I woke up I took a pregnancy test. To be honest, I was not expecting it to be positive. We have been trying for the last 6 months and we haven't been successful. 

This was actually the first month that I didn't track my ovulation and just relaxed. I actually signed up for disability insurance to cover my absence of pay for when I do go on maternity leave… but the catch is that it wouldn't be in effect until January 2016. So if we got pregnant before that it would be considered a preexisting condition and it wouldn't be covered. Obviously, we weren't trying to conceive this month so we would get the coverage and volia we get pregnant! 

I have had this "New Daddy's Toolbox" made back in July when John and I started trying again. I bought a bunch of "Daddy love me" types of books. This way John is able to read these books to the baby any time :) Also, in the "toolbox" are diapers, hand sanitizer and small size baby wash, baby shampoo and baby powder. It was so cute watching John read all the books. I could say that he is as excited as me to start reading to our little peanut. 

We're Pregnant!

November 26, 2015

Words cannot express how excited John and I are for our new bundle of joy! After 6 months of trying we can finally say that we are expecting again!!!! We would love for all your prayers to make it to full term this time around. Finding out that we were pregnant on Thanksgiving was such a great feeling. We were truly thankful this year :)

Due Date

November 17, 2015

Well, today is the day. Our baby's due date. The day I've been dreading since I first found out in May that we had a miscarriage. Everyone says that it would get easier… "At least you know that you can get pregnant…"  To some people, I haven't lost anything except an idea, but to me I feel like I've lost everything.

I know that most people don't deliver on their due date. Today, the due date is a symbolic thing to me. It is the day that my baby was suppose to be born. It was the day my life was suppose to change forever. But there is no baby and no birthday.

When I first found out I was pregnant, the due date seem like it was so far away and it would be forever until I would meet my baby. When the baby was taken away from me in May, nothing has prepared me for what the past 6 months would be like. I thought by my due date that I would feel better than I am… more normal. I thought I would be expecting another bundle of joy.

Well it is officially here… still don't' feel normal and still no new bundle of joy. Yes, I am not as sad as I was 6 months ago. I have accepted the fact that the baby is gone and there isn't anything I can do about it. Yes, I am not crying every night about it. But the sadness is still there.  Not a day goes by that I don't think about what could have been. Especially seeing all the other people who were due around my time giving birth to their bundles of joy, or new pregnancy announcements that made it past my time period.

There are days and sometimes weeks that go by that I don't cry about the situation and then all of a sudden I just break down. The pain is still real. It is hard to say goodbye when I was never given a chance to even say hello. Sometimes, I just feel alone in the world.

I still remember the day I woke up in the middle of the night, alone, scared and in pain. The sharp pains that I have never felt before and the reality that my baby is no longer with me. The constant doctors appointment and pricks for blood test to confirm the miscarriage.

I wish I was able to save the baby. I wish there was something that I could do. There is nothing magical I can say or anyone can say to me. Nothing that will make it better. But I guess today is the day that I can finally say goodbye. But it won't be forever. Until I meet my little Angel again in Heaven.

So to my little Angel in Heaven,

Mommy loves you so much. I cherished all the time we had together and I love you more than anything here on Earth. You were such a blessing to me. You'll never know how much I love you.

Follow-up from the Ultrasound

October 29, 2015

I got my first ultrasound yesterday to check out how everything healed after the miscarriage. Unfortunately, the technician told me that she wasn't going to be able to give me any results. I was going to have to wait for my doctor to talk to me about it. I wasn't surprised this was the procedure.

So during the examine the technician wanted to talk and we discussed the miscarriage. She said I was brave and tough to have gone though the miscarriage naturally & at home. She even commented, "Weren't you in a lot of pain?" I told her, "Yeah! I realized after going through it that I could never give birth without an epidural because if I was in so much pain now I couldn't even imagine child birth!" We both had a good laugh with that. I knew if I went to the hospital they couldn't really do anything for me besides giving me pain meds since I didn't want to do a D&C.

Well the results came back the next day & I was told that everything was "Within Normal Limits." So that was a good result. It has made me less worried that there were complications internally with the miscarriage. But now the question is... Why have we had issues conceiving? I personally don't think I've been putting too much stress on my body about conceiving, but everyone I talk to says I am... So I'm going to take a month of two off from "stressing" about it. So I'm not going to track anything & just let everything go. So I guess we will see if that will work.

In the next few weeks will be a little tough because November 17th was my predicted due date. Hopefully everything goes smoothly that day for me.

Doctors Visit

October 13, 2015

Today I went to the doctors to request an ultrasound to check to make sure everything healed properly from the miscarriage. We have been trying for three months without being successful. We have even been using an ovulation tests. During these few months I've been trying to change things that I've been doing to promote a better chance of conceiving. The major changes is my excercise and diet. I continue to work out, but I have been cutting back a little on the amount of days and the intensity of my workout. Also, I've relaxed on the amount of calories and carbs I'm consuming. I've been trying not to stress myself out on my diet. Don't get me wrong, I'm not eating a crazy amount of carbs and extra calories but if one night for dinner it makes it easier to cook one meal for John and I that has pasta than a different meal for myself I will eat it. Additionally, I've cut back a lot on my tofu intake. After researching it, tofu is okay to eat when trying to conceive & while pregnant, it shouldn't be eaten on a daily basis in which I was doing.

After talking to the doctor he approved of the ultrasound. My appointment is October 28th. Crossing my fingers that we will hear good news and put my worries to rest.

Trying to stay positive gets harder each month

October 3, 2015

This try we tracked my ovulation and again I felt like this month would have been successful…. however, it was not successful. I keep hearing, that when it is the right time it will happen. It just is hard to keep hearing it. I know we have been trying for three months and that to some people isn't much time, but to me it is. I know I keep saying the same thing, when we tried the first time it wasn't this difficult so I was expecting the same thing.

I feel like the constant reminder that I am not pregnant anymore it what is getting to me. Just every day looking at myself reminds me, seeing other people at work pregnant that is due around the same times as I was and some of the mail and e-mails I received. Thursday, I received this package in the mail. It is a variety pack of baby formula that was mailed to me by the company because when I pregnant I signed up for a bunch of things.

Even the other day I was talking to some people and we were discussing Halloween costumes. Some how the conversation led to people who are pregnant with their funny Halloween costumes. Someone brought up about how there is a costume where you put legs and arms sticking out from your shirt and it makes it look like a baby is coming out of your stomach and I say,  "Yeah, I always wanted to do that." Their comment back was "Yeah, you just have to be pregnant first." It wasn't meant to be a hurtful thing, but since no one really knows that I had a miscarriage and that we are really trying to conceive again it did really hurt me. From this experience, I have learned that people might be going through hard times secretly and just little things you say can really hurt people more than you think.

Like I said before, I really thought since we tracked my ovulation that I would have been successful and I made a promise to myself that if it wasn't successful that I was going to go to the doctors. Yes, I know it has only been three months, but since the miscarriage I haven't had an ultrasound to make sure that everything has cleared up properly. I did have a physical examine with the doctor, but since I had the miscarriage naturally I always had a feeling "What if it wasn't cleared all the way? What if there is something blocking the tubes or something?"

When I was pregnant and didn't have any ultrasounds until week 12, there was always a feeling inside of me that "What if I wasn't really pregnant?" since I haven't fully seen the baby yet. I felt terrible feeling this way, but I didn't even hear a heart beat or anything at this moment. When I discuss this with John after the fact, he said maybe it was my body telling my brain that it wasn't going to work out and to get me ready for it. Well like before, I have a feeling that something hasn't cleared up and maybe I am just being a worry wart, but I would like to have my worries cleared up.

Being that it has only been three months of trying I am not sure if the doctors would even approve of an  ultrasound, but to me I rather try and ask instead of just sitting around worrying. In a few weeks I will see the doctor and I hope they will approve an ultrasound. So until then….

Time to Get Serious

September 14, 2015

So our second month of trying was unsuccessful. So now it is time to get really serious about being successful. I thought that it would be just as easy to get pregnant again since we didn't have really any issues last time. However, it hasn't been as easy so now we ordered ovulation kits so we can be as successful as we can.

The only hard thing is John's work schedule. With him being gone so often it is hard to plan it around my body. I only hope that we are lucky enough to have him home. Keeping our fingers crossed that with this extra help we will conceive soon!