Follow-up With the Doctor

May 22, 2015

It has not been easy for me to understand and except this whole situation. When I look at myself, touch my stomach, see families it all reminds me of my loss. When I am driving to work, looking on Facebook and seeing people who are pregnant and even seeing strangers who are pregnant I get sad thinking about how I am no longer a mother.

Whenever I see someone who is pregnant I am secretly envious of them. Why are they so lucky to be able to have a child and I am not. What did I do wrong? I know it will eventually get easier to deal with it, but I will never forget. I will never forget the child that I could have held. I will never forget the child that I could have care for and loved. I just have to keep telling myself that God has a plan. Just wish I knew what his plan and reason was....

So I went to the doctor to have my follow-up visit after the miscarriage. It has been almost two weeks and the bleeding has finally stopped. I get to the nurse and she asks me what my visit is for. I tell her about having the miscarriage and she comments that she is also recently went through the same thing. She was very understanding and told me that it will get easier.

While the nurse was trying to figure out how to code this visit she commented that they have to code it as a spontaneous abortion. When I hear those words my heart breaks. Abortion??? No, this was not an abortion. I didn't have a choice in the matter. I wanted this baby. I wanted to be a mother and have a family. The baby was taken from me.

During my visit, I asked the doctor when we can start trying again. I was hoping she would say after having my first cycle. However, I wasn't lucky enough to hear that. She told me I should wait 3-4 months before we start trying. 3-4 MONTHS! I know I am young, I know 3-4 months isn't long, but it seems like a eternity to me. I hope these next few months fly by. I really just want to be pregnant. Even today, I still think about how many weeks I would be if I was pregnant (almost 14).

When I start to feel very sad, I look at some quotes that I have found. When I read them I still cry, but in some way, they help me feel better and accept the situation.

Worst Day of the Whole Process

 May 12, 2015

So the whole miscarriage process started on May 10th.... Mother's Day to be exact. How ironic right? The whole process has been manageable. Until today, when I wake up at 2 a.m. to go to the bathroom and notice that bleeding is VERY VERY bad. I have never seen so much blood in my life.

John was away at work and I was by myself. Being freaked out by all the blood I quickly call my mom to find out if this was normal and if I should go to the ER. Since I was alone, I was scared that I could pass out because I was losing so much blood. I decided to try to stick it out without going to the ER.

Trying to stick it out for an hour I quickly call John, who is at work and is sleeping because it is 3 a.m. in the morning to see if he was able to leave work to help me. He comes home a couple hours later and is by my side.

I really did not want him to see me this way and see everything that was going on because I wanted him to still be attracted to me and not see this me when he looks at me. But of course I couldn't stop him. He truly deserves to get the husband of the year award. He stayed in the bathroom with me since I was stuck in the tub and kept me company.

After being stuck in the tub for almost 8 hours the worst part of the process was finally ending. Without needing to ask he went to the store to get me some feminine products and lunch. He has been there the whole day to help and support me. I don't know how I got so lucky to have a great husband like him. 

My lovely family keeping me company while stuck in the bathroom

The Test Results

Today is the day... is my baby going to be a miracle and be there or was the doctor prediction correct and I lost the baby. John and I were trying to be positive and have been praying like crazy that the baby would be okay. I know our families were praying and if it was Gods will and plan the baby would be okay.

After speaking with the doctor, her predictions with my HCG levels decreasing was confirmed and I had a miscarriage. I had no words. I know it was going to be a miracle that there was an actual baby inside of me, but I still had hope. There are miracles that are performed every day! Why couldn't I be one of those people that gets a miracle. I believe I deserve it.

However, I wasn't. I know there is a reason why God did not want this baby to be born and why this was happening to us. We did everything that we could do to have a healthy pregnancy, but it just wasn't good enough.

As I sit and think, I wonder to myself... Why did my pregnancy last as long as it did? Why didn't I have the "complete" miscarriage before my 12 weeks? I came to the conclusion that God wanted me to be prepared for the miscarriage before it actually happened. I don't know how I would have felt if I woke up one day or even during the day I went to the bathroom and realized I was bleeding. Being prepared for it made this terrible situation a little easier. I was able to prepare myself for it to happen. Even though, a big part of me thought that a miracle could still happen.

My follow-up doctors appointment wasn't until 5/22, so I thought, if I didn't have the "complete" miscarriage maybe the results were wrong and I was still pregnant. If it was in Gods plan for me to have this baby then I wouldn't have the "complete" miscarriage and the doctor would schedule a new ultrasound to figure out what was happening and they would find the baby. I prayed and prayed that if I was suppose to have this baby I wouldn't have the "complete" miscarriage and the baby would be there when they did a new ultrasound. If it wasn't in the plan for me to have this baby then I prayed for the miscarriage to come sooner rather than later so I could be in peace.

On Sunday, 5/10/15, Mother's Day, my prayer was answered and I was not meant to have this baby. Part of me was relieved to have an answer, but the majority of me was very sad. I never imagined that this would happen to me. Talking about it has made it a little easier. I can talk about it now without breaking down crying... at least the majority of the time. Every day, I still think about the baby. When I see kids or touch my stomach it just reminds me of the baby.

John and I are hopeful for our future baby. We know when it is Gods plan for us to have a family it will happen. We are praying every day that everything goes smoothly for our next pregnancy.

Life Doesn't Go As Planned

May 4, 2015

Today marks 11 years since John and I have been together and it is the same day as our first ultrasound. Can today be any better?!?!? So we arrive at the doctors very anxious to meet our little angel.

After a few minutes during the ultrasound, I ask the sonographer, "Am I suppose to be seeing anything?" She quickly said, "That's not for me to discuss with you. Your doctor will discuss everything." Inside, my heart dropped. My worst fear was coming true. All throughout my pregnancy I was worried that I wasn't really pregnant. At this point, I have not seen the baby or heard a heartbeat, so a little part of me always wondered What if I am not really pregnant?

The ultrasound continued and I started seeing objects with the heatwaves showing that there was something there. I swear I was seeing a head, arms and legs. However, the sonographer didn't say anything to us. But when I saw this I thought everything was okay. The sonographer turned on the sound to hear the hearbeat and I heard some type of noise, but she quickly shut it off. The sonographer never said "This is your babies heartbeat." She just continued on with the ultrasound. Being this was our first ultrasound ever, we didn't know what was exactly suppose to happen and even if she was even suppose to talk to us. At this point, I wasn't really worried since I thought I saw something.

We went back into the waiting room to meet with the doctor. We were sitting there anxiously and couldn't wait to see the doctor. We waited for 1 1/2 hours until the doctor finally called us!!! At this point, I would wait forever to finally see the doctor and see our baby.

Once we met with the doctor, she quickly told us that at this time in our pregnancy she should be able to see a baby in the ultrasound and she didn't see anything. As soon as she said that, my heart dropped and I felt devastated. I didn't understand.. What did she mean she couldn't see the baby??? I'm 12 weeks pregnant, she should be able to see the baby. As she started to explain that I had a miscarriage, I started to cry and all I could think about was I lost my baby.

This was not what I was expecting to hear. This was suppose to be our best day ever, not the worst day. As she explain, I was pregnant and I was still pregnant. Just the egg never actually formed into a baby. My HCG levels were still high and all the fluids like a pregnant person was suppose to gain was building (hence the weight gain and stomach bulge). I started asking her, was this because I was a vegetarian, was I working out too much, was there anything I did that cause this? Her answer to it all was "No." This is just something that happens to people.

The doctor informed me that she was going to do some blood work to check my HCG levels and then to come back again in two days to do the same blood work. She said that if I wasn't having a miscarriage then the blood work should show the HCG levels increasing. If the level increased then we would have another ultrasound to see what was going on with the baby. If the levels decreased then that was the sign that I was having a miscarriage. So now it is the waiting game... until Thursday I would not know if I had a miscarriage or not.

Finally starting to show!

These picture were not taken the same day. The top two pictures were taken when I just found out I was pregnant at 4 weeks. The bottom pictures were taken today, when I was 11 weeks and 5 days. Guess I am showing now :)

Right now, I am in the awkward stage as not being my normal weight to not looking noticeably pregnant. Right now, I just feel fat.... still fitting into my normal clothes, but having to put on loose fitting shirts so that my stomach doesn't look like I need another size up on my pants (haha!). I know, I know I'm pregnant. It doesn't help when someone tells you that they can see my puuuudge. I really hate that word!

Since I see myself everyday I haven't really noticed the different in my belly. Plus since I haven't had an ultrasound yet, I still feel like it isn't real that I am pregnant. So I decided to take a "belly selfie." I was very shocked when I compared the difference from when I first found out until now. I guess I really am starting to show now.

I am looking forward to the ultrasound tomorrow and finally meeting our little peanut!!

Week 11

Today Is: May 2, 2015
How far long: 11 weeks
Baby is the Size of: Lime
Weight Gain: 0 pounds
Stretch Marks: Nope
Maternity Clothes: Not yet, but I did break off a button of one of my work pants this week! Getting the belly band now :) 
Sleep: Still waking up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom
Best Moment this Week: John helping me with the dishes this week :) He is really spoiling me!
Worst Moment this Week: First time having a major break out due to my pregnancy
Miss Anything: Raw sushi
Cravings: Cookies
Queasy or sick: None
Symptoms:  Headaches more frequently
Have You Started Showing Yet: No
Happy or Moody Most of the Time: Happy
Looking Forward To: My birthday tomorrow, our first ultrasound and going back home to visit my family this week!