Today is the day... is my baby going to be a miracle and be there or was the doctor prediction correct and I lost the baby. John and I were trying to be positive and have been praying like crazy that the baby would be okay. I know our families were praying and if it was Gods will and plan the baby would be okay.
After speaking with the doctor, her predictions with my HCG levels decreasing was confirmed and I had a miscarriage. I had no words. I know it was going to be a miracle that there was an actual baby inside of me, but I still had hope. There are miracles that are performed every day! Why couldn't I be one of those people that gets a miracle. I believe I deserve it.
However, I wasn't. I know there is a reason why God did not want this baby to be born and why this was happening to us. We did everything that we could do to have a healthy pregnancy, but it just wasn't good enough.
As I sit and think, I wonder to myself... Why did my pregnancy last as long as it did? Why didn't I have the "complete" miscarriage before my 12 weeks? I came to the conclusion that God wanted me to be prepared for the miscarriage before it actually happened. I don't know how I would have felt if I woke up one day or even during the day I went to the bathroom and realized I was bleeding. Being prepared for it made this terrible situation a little easier. I was able to prepare myself for it to happen. Even though, a big part of me thought that a miracle could still happen.
My follow-up doctors appointment wasn't until 5/22, so I thought, if I didn't have the "complete" miscarriage maybe the results were wrong and I was still pregnant. If it was in Gods plan for me to have this baby then I wouldn't have the "complete" miscarriage and the doctor would schedule a new ultrasound to figure out what was happening and they would find the baby. I prayed and prayed that if I was suppose to have this baby I wouldn't have the "complete" miscarriage and the baby would be there when they did a new ultrasound. If it wasn't in the plan for me to have this baby then I prayed for the miscarriage to come sooner rather than later so I could be in peace.
On Sunday, 5/10/15, Mother's Day, my prayer was answered and I was not meant to have this baby. Part of me was relieved to have an answer, but the majority of me was very sad. I never imagined that this would happen to me. Talking about it has made it a little easier. I can talk about it now without breaking down crying... at least the majority of the time. Every day, I still think about the baby. When I see kids or touch my stomach it just reminds me of the baby.
John and I are hopeful for our future baby. We know when it is Gods plan for us to have a family it will happen. We are praying every day that everything goes smoothly for our next pregnancy.
I can't imagine the heart ache you are going through. Just wanted to tell you we love you and have been thinking about you both! I know God will bless you both with a sweet baby when the time is right. Like you said, you just have to trust his reasoning and timing no matter how tough that may be. Xoxoxo
ReplyDeleteMy love, its not that you didn't deserve a miracle. You are God's child and He loves you no matter what! This must have been so hard to go through and you are so strong. You said it perfectly though, you'll know when its God's plan for you to start a family then you'll be ready and it will happen. I'm sorry I'm just reading this now, but it is beautiful still. I love you and can't wait to have more nephews and or nieces!!
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