Life Doesn't Go As Planned

May 4, 2015

Today marks 11 years since John and I have been together and it is the same day as our first ultrasound. Can today be any better?!?!? So we arrive at the doctors very anxious to meet our little angel.

After a few minutes during the ultrasound, I ask the sonographer, "Am I suppose to be seeing anything?" She quickly said, "That's not for me to discuss with you. Your doctor will discuss everything." Inside, my heart dropped. My worst fear was coming true. All throughout my pregnancy I was worried that I wasn't really pregnant. At this point, I have not seen the baby or heard a heartbeat, so a little part of me always wondered What if I am not really pregnant?

The ultrasound continued and I started seeing objects with the heatwaves showing that there was something there. I swear I was seeing a head, arms and legs. However, the sonographer didn't say anything to us. But when I saw this I thought everything was okay. The sonographer turned on the sound to hear the hearbeat and I heard some type of noise, but she quickly shut it off. The sonographer never said "This is your babies heartbeat." She just continued on with the ultrasound. Being this was our first ultrasound ever, we didn't know what was exactly suppose to happen and even if she was even suppose to talk to us. At this point, I wasn't really worried since I thought I saw something.

We went back into the waiting room to meet with the doctor. We were sitting there anxiously and couldn't wait to see the doctor. We waited for 1 1/2 hours until the doctor finally called us!!! At this point, I would wait forever to finally see the doctor and see our baby.

Once we met with the doctor, she quickly told us that at this time in our pregnancy she should be able to see a baby in the ultrasound and she didn't see anything. As soon as she said that, my heart dropped and I felt devastated. I didn't understand.. What did she mean she couldn't see the baby??? I'm 12 weeks pregnant, she should be able to see the baby. As she started to explain that I had a miscarriage, I started to cry and all I could think about was I lost my baby.

This was not what I was expecting to hear. This was suppose to be our best day ever, not the worst day. As she explain, I was pregnant and I was still pregnant. Just the egg never actually formed into a baby. My HCG levels were still high and all the fluids like a pregnant person was suppose to gain was building (hence the weight gain and stomach bulge). I started asking her, was this because I was a vegetarian, was I working out too much, was there anything I did that cause this? Her answer to it all was "No." This is just something that happens to people.

The doctor informed me that she was going to do some blood work to check my HCG levels and then to come back again in two days to do the same blood work. She said that if I wasn't having a miscarriage then the blood work should show the HCG levels increasing. If the level increased then we would have another ultrasound to see what was going on with the baby. If the levels decreased then that was the sign that I was having a miscarriage. So now it is the waiting game... until Thursday I would not know if I had a miscarriage or not.