It has not been easy for me to understand and except this whole situation. When I look at myself, touch my stomach, see families it all reminds me of my loss. When I am driving to work, looking on Facebook and seeing people who are pregnant and even seeing strangers who are pregnant I get sad thinking about how I am no longer a mother.
Whenever I see someone who is pregnant I am secretly envious of them. Why are they so lucky to be able to have a child and I am not. What did I do wrong? I know it will eventually get easier to deal with it, but I will never forget. I will never forget the child that I could have held. I will never forget the child that I could have care for and loved. I just have to keep telling myself that God has a plan. Just wish I knew what his plan and reason was....
So I went to the doctor to have my follow-up visit after the miscarriage. It has been almost two weeks and the bleeding has finally stopped. I get to the nurse and she asks me what my visit is for. I tell her about having the miscarriage and she comments that she is also recently went through the same thing. She was very understanding and told me that it will get easier.
While the nurse was trying to figure out how to code this visit she commented that they have to code it as a spontaneous abortion. When I hear those words my heart breaks. Abortion??? No, this was not an abortion. I didn't have a choice in the matter. I wanted this baby. I wanted to be a mother and have a family. The baby was taken from me.
During my visit, I asked the doctor when we can start trying again. I was hoping she would say after having my first cycle. However, I wasn't lucky enough to hear that. She told me I should wait 3-4 months before we start trying. 3-4 MONTHS! I know I am young, I know 3-4 months isn't long, but it seems like a eternity to me. I hope these next few months fly by. I really just want to be pregnant. Even today, I still think about how many weeks I would be if I was pregnant (almost 14).
When I start to feel very sad, I look at some quotes that I have found. When I read them I still cry, but in some way, they help me feel better and accept the situation.
Jackie, my dear sweet baby girl, I love you so much it hurts sometimes. I just read these last blog posts of yours, and I have to tell you that you are the most awesome, loving and incredible young woman I've ever known. You are rock-steady in the face of adversity, even if you don't feel you are at the time. You are going to be the most amazing mom when God's timing comes. I want you to know how totally proud of you I am concerning how you went about sacrificing for the well being of your baby right from the start. You did all you could to assure a healthy outcome, and not one tiny little inkling of this miscarriage had anything to do with anything you did or didn't do. I believe a big part of why this process has held on so long is a tribute to the careful nurturing you provided from the very beginning. You did everything right, and I know you understand that, even during the times when it hurts and you doubt. Do you remember when I told you that after mommy had a miscarriage, she became pregnant with you, and that's how I knew God was blessing my family and that everything was going to be OK. Well, if God can so graciously bless someone even like me, just think about how much He can bless someone as wonderful as you.
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