John and I decided to start trying again in July. This made me so happy. I figured it was easy for us to get pregnant the first time, so I was VERY confident that it would happen right away. My ovulation week was perfect timing because it was a week that John would be home a lot (another sign to me that this was going to be a successful try). I think we tried more this time than we have done any other time.
After my ovulation week, I really thought we were successful. I had more confidence this time than I did any other time. I thought I was seeing signs that I was pregnant… a little more fatigue than normal. When I was pregnant the first time I didn't have this or any signs that I was pregnant so another sign that I really thought I was pregnant. I know it was early, but I constantly had to go to the bathroom… some nights I wasn't having that great night of sleep (waking up in the middle of the night & couldn't go back to sleep).
I was so confident that I was pregnant that I started getting everything ready for me to surprise John that I was pregnant. I even picked up 6 pregnancy test to start testing as early as possible to find out that I was pregnant. I looked forward to every morning to test it. I even started saving ideas for my maternity photos, found three photographers in the area that I liked and researched their packages. I was even figuring out the dates that we could do the gender revel (if we decide to find out) and even figuring out the best time for the baby shower.
Every morning that I took the test it was negative. I didn't feel too upset because I remembered the first time I was pregnant I took a pregnancy test three days before I found out that I was pregnant and it was negative. So I figured the HCG levels this time still aren't high enough yet. Even the day that I was suppose to get my period and the test was negative I thought, well maybe my calculations for when I am suppose to get my period was off a day because the test was still negative and my period still didn't come. Every time I went to the bathroom I was so excited because my period still didn't come and my period is always on time.
However, later that night I got period. So clearly all those negative pregnancy tests were correct. I was very, very sad. I really thought we were going to be successful. Maybe I was trying to be too much of a planner and stressed my body out a little too much, even though I didn't feel stressed. I just really thought this was going to be the perfect time. If this month was successful I would able to start all the doctors appointments necessary before school started again. This way I wouldn't have to wait until 12 weeks again to find out if I was still pregnant or not. I wish there was going to be a quicker way to have my first ultrasound, but according to the doctor I would still have to go through the whole long process again.
I know I have to relax and let God be in control. Some of the bible verses that I have helped me during this time are:
- Psalms 37:7: "Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for him to act. Don't worry about evil people who prosper or fret about their wicked schemes." I am not a fan of how the last sentence is stated because I don't think other people who are pregnant are wicked or evil. To me, the last sentence means those who get pregnant who aren't trying and/or feel like their pregnancy was a "Uh-Oh." That is the hardest part for me.. people who aren't trying and they get pregnant and don't have any issues versus someone like me who is trying and it doesn't happen or is trying a has a miscarriage. I would never wish for anything bad to happen to anyone during their pregnancy, even when it isn't planned. I just feel a little envious when they are pregnant, but this verse reminds me to just wait patiently for Him to act.
- 2 Corinthians 4:18: "We fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." and Mark 11:24-"Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours." These just reminds me to keep my faith, continue praying and God will answer my prayers when it is his time.
